Well, maybe now I am ready to write about my epic emotional martini-shaker experiences of the past couple of days...? The only way to find out, is to try!
I haven't wanted to talk to anyone about it all, or even to think about it too much- it has been a long processing period, but I think I have now reached the point in that process where I can, and in fact need to, write about it a little bit!
So... well, I guess I'll start at the beginning, which is in fact, the day before 'The Party'.
Mechtild, Nuky and I all had breakfast together, before we jumped on the bikes and cycled into Arnhem. Here I bought my train ticket to Paris on the 25th, and there it was, on paper and in ink- Madeline is leaving Holland. Right in front of my face in a form that I can see and touch (and taste if I really felt like it...), tangible proof that this isn't just my life, that it is actually a holiday, a small period of time which is now coming to an end- well, changing at least. I'm so excited to go to France and Italy and Japan after that. I'm SOOOOO happy to see Brooke again and continue exploring the world with another set of fresh eyes next to me. But I'm also incredibly sad to leave this part of my journey behind me. Incredibly, INCREDIBLY sad.
How terrible that I complain about going to Paris!! Just as well I'm not really complaining!!!
Anyway, then we went to the market, where Mechtild and Nuky bought fresh fish, which were individually picked out by them, and then gutted and scaled by the guys right there before my eyes. Might I mention, these 'fish men' did not wear gloves while they went about their work, and I have to say, I pity the women they go home to and greet with those hands...
We had coffee on a terrace next to the Rhine River which also runs through Holland, and really, I couldn't be in a place any further from where I was trapped only last week. I could not feel more at ease and comfortable with these people. I look at them, and what I see gleaming back at me is my FAMILY- people who love and accept and embrace and take care of me because I am me. What a feeling that is...
Mum told me I HAD to try loempia while in Holland, so we made a reservation at a Thai restaurant in Arnhem that my new foster parents had always wanted to explore. It was here that we headed back to that evening (the bikes got a rest that night, as we took the car this time...). We sat in a beautiful garden by a fountained pond, under a large umbrella which protected our delicate skulls from the heavenly barrage of pears that rained all over us from the tree overhead. We sat for hours as the sun slowly crept into bed and the lanterns were woken from their daylight redundancy, and we ate beautiful food, drank lovely wine, and spoke freely and openly and plenty... Once again, I could just breathe the beautiful evening and the even more beautiful company and not choke myself all night.
Then... it was Sunday! Before I woke that morning, my dreams were studded with family members who sourced and share my Dutch blood. Great Oma wondered about in my mind probably the entire night, and a slice of my dream was spiced with spoken Dutch. I'll never know if it was ACTUAL Dutch... but the intention was there, and Mum says she reckons it was!!
So, I woke up, and I got ready, and I ate breakfast, and I wasn't TOO nervous! Ursula (Oma's sister) Hein (her husband) and Xander (their son) all came to Mechtild and Nuky's beforehand.
It occurs to me now how easy it would become for these meetings to, with time and repetition, become just ticks on a list. How maybe I could even be forgiven for it being so. But it just has not been like this. Every single encounter I have had with any family member has been so special and so personal and so layered. Not every time has it changed the face of my world forever, carving canals and niches I never knew I could carry- but every single time it has genuinely meant so much to me, and coated my heart in another layer of velvet.
So, meeting these three in the home I was staying in, having Hein joke and laugh with me as though he had done so at every Christmas dinner since I was a baby, having Ursula smile so sweetly at me I thought I would melt, having Xander sit with me and talk with me with so much love and calm that I felt I could never be safer... it was wonderful!
Then we jumped in the car, and off we drove, Mechtild, Xander, Hein and I to Great Oma's home to pick her up for her 94th birthday party. There she sat, in the sitting room, already made up, around her neck the owl pendant my Oma had sent her as a present. We went to her room and Mechtild sorted through the pile of birthday cards that cascaded off the table- dozens of little folded pieces of paper from all over the world, filled with words of love and hope and affection. How incredible it must be for such a woman as my Great Oma, to sit and look at yourself and your life, and see beneath you such a wide-reaching, diverse root system branching out for miles and miles across so many years, so many countries, so many many lives. What it must feel like to look at this entity and know that you created it. I can't even begin to imagine.
I talked to Oma with Hein as a translator, she told me that she would go to France instead of me, and I would stay there in her place. Here I was with the matriarch of half my world, and she was joking with me. There aren't words, there really aren't!
We walked with Great Oma up the tree-lined path to the restaurant where her party would be. I keep feeling like maybe there's not so much to tell- there aren't that many 'stories' about the day, but that is directly due to the biggest 'story' of all, which is just how natural and right and proper it all felt. It felt right for me to be there, and that is something I have felt so little in my life. To feel right somewhere, to feel like I am in my place, to feel good about being who I am- because being that person makes me part of something beautiful, and nothing more is asked of me beyond that. There I was, walking up the road, pushing Great Oma's chair, and that was where I was meant to be, and there was nothing odd or wrong or out of place about it- nothing awkward or doutbful.
When we got to the end of the road, a woman stood there with two children, and I saw Mechtild look at Xander, and I saw them both look at the woman, and I saw the children stare at Great Oma, until they finally ran up and kissed her. With sighs and laughs and kisses all round everyone raved about not recognising one another, and having no idea who had been facing them across the road. So it wasn't just me who had trouble remembering all the members of such a ridiculously large family.
And so it began. I spent the next couple of hours giving my mouth and neck a good work-out giving seven trillion air-kisses. I met family member after family member, and each and every time, no matter who was in front of me, the same thing happened. Either I would introduce myself, or be introduced, or further explanation would be needed "Madeline, the daughter of Melanie, the grand-daughter of Monique", but as soon as my identity was established a light would come over the person's face "OH! Ofcourse! Welcome!!" and I could see it in their eyes, see it in their smiles, that they really meant it, every one of them. I am part of their family, and I am welcome with them. Really genuinely welcome, in a way I couldn't doubt even if I wanted to.
So, I met more and I met more, and I am not entirely sure who I met, because there are so very, very many. Dedmer chastised me for pouring myself a glass of wine at one o'clock in the afternoon, and I jokingly said I needed to relax. I use the word 'jokingly' in a way I don't think the dictionary writers would much approve of. I know I talked about how right it all felt, and how welcome I felt, but it was still overwhelming. Never in my life have I met so many new people at one time, and certainly never have every single one of those people inherently meant something to me. I've never been very good socially, and this was one massive social-soup. So, maybe I was a little nervous... but I powered through. And, I did pour myself that glass or two of wine- after all, it was a Strategier gathering!
Jonas made me miss my brother as I talked with a sensitive, intelligent, insightful young man who never-the-less was still very clearly a 16 year old boy. Michael was sure that everyone spoke in English when I was around, so I couldn't chicken out of the conversation, and he made me feel equal, respected, as though I was just as worthy as anyone else this world might contain. Ofcourse, he squeezed this in between leaping and bounding and grazing his arm as he laughed and played and satisfied the insatiable desires of the children. Something I have discovered, particularly about the men of the Strategier family- they all have the hearts of children- there is so much playfullness, so much energy and life and vibrancy and an absolute refusal to let go of the magic and joy of childhood. This is something I've always respected so much in a person, the ability to hold onto that genuine and wholeheartedly joyful way of looking at and feeling the world. It's pretty damn special I think.
I wanted SO badly to talk to Felix. Something inside of me was just screaming "you have to get just a few words in with this man, or you'll be walking around with a hole in you forever". I got a few spade-fulls of soil in the hole. It's still not covered over, but I managed to tie him down for about half a second and I speedily and desperately told him how badly I wanted to talk with him, and how impossible he was to peg down- like jelly through your fingers. So he hustled me along "come, come, come" and planted me next to his seat next to Great Oma and I got a few minutes before he sprinted off again to keep entertaining, to keep spinning magic between the tables and chairs and trees. I don't know quite what it was I felt toward him, but still, even now, when I think of him, something inside me snaps and starts oozing something which I can only describe as liquid inspiration. That feeling I get in my stomach and in my gut when I see a film that changes my life, or hear a song that is so perfect I want to cry, or see a painting which is everything a painting can be... that's the feeling I have about this man, and I don't really know where it comes from, and I certainly don't know where it will lead, but I got to meet him, and it was special.
There's also so much creativity in the family, as everyone has something to share and a different way to share it. So much art, so much music, so much expression. It's a special thing to see, and an even more special thing to be a part of.
So, yeah, there I was. I was at a family party. My whole life I've wished I could be at these gatherings. My whole life I've lamented the distance that excluded me from this world. But there I was, actually sitting there, right in the middle of it. Dad said on the phone the other day "you really are a family girl, aren't you?". I had never really thought about it, but boy am I ever! I love it SO much, to a degree beyond measurement, sitting there surrounded by life and movement and happiness and activity and seeing between all this, these ties which are linking each and every person to everyone else. And those ties are linked to you as well... and it's just this whole other world- family. There are different rules, different laws, different expectations. It's not like the rest of the world, it's not like 'normal' social situations. You're just on a totally different planet when you're with family. And it doesn't matter if you don't know them, because you know them and that's good enough in such a world, and with such rules. I just totally love it. I love families and I love families together, and I can't wait to have a million kids and spend a million hours with them and with everyone else who has even the longest of ties attached to my belt!
Another really special thing about this whole family business- something I am only just discovering because of the petite nature of the slice of family I have back in Australia- is the way spouses and partners, husbands and wives fit into the puzzle. Every partner of any blood member of the family is just as much a part of the family as anyone else. There isn't even a trace of a line between the two, not even a residual remnant of some kind of division or point of separation. So seamlessly they melt into the world and become 'one of the clan', and for someone with very little experience of family outside the nucleus, this was such a pleasant and special surprise, and an added dimension that hadn't really occured to me but which has made me so happy to see.
So anyway, there's not that much to say anymore about it really. I spent five hours there with these people, and it was incredible and very, very special for me. It is something I will carry in my heart for the rest of my life. It is something I will forever be thankful for having experienced. It is one of those times that come almost to define you- as you look over your life and see what is most important to you shining like little beacons spread out across your entire experience of the world, and you can see who you are and what you've become.
I was so lucky to be there, and I am so lucky to be a part of this.
I said goodbye to so many, many people. Even though most of them I will possibly never see again, there was a feeling that I wasn't really saying goodbye. Maybe my brain just couldn't handle so much in one day, and ignored the fact that I was saying goodbye, but it felt like I was saying "see you tomorrow" or "see you next week", not "see you possibly, maybe, if I come soon to your country again, and you're around, or maybe if you come to my country, and you know and think to contact me when you do...". So, what this means I'm not 100% sure, but that is how it felt!
Hadewig and Dedmer came back to Mechtild and Nuky's for a while before they drove home. Ok, at this point in the day, there was not much left in little old me. I was wiped. It had been an incredibly overwhelming day and I'd soaked up a lot... and I felt, well, over-cooked. I lay on the couch, nearly fell asleep, ran up the stairs to cry like a baby, and blubbered more when I had to say goodbye to Hadewig and Dedmer again. It was hard enough the first time! I love those guys so much! I can't even begin to comprehend the fact that when I am back home, they won't live on the same land-mass as me. To feel like someone is so much a part of your life, but to know that they are nowhere near you is such a bizzarre feeling... one that my brain can't quite grasp a hold of.
Anyway, I said that painful goodbye, and thinking about it now, it begins to hurt again, even though I know now that I will see them in a few days- but then I'll have to go through it all again!!! I said that goodbye, and it was made awfully clear that I hate goodbyes and wish they didn't exist... and then I sat around, and ate some food, and went to bed... yep, that was my day!
So, there you have it, the party... I don't think there's more to add there... I think I said most of it.
The next day I woke up VERY late, cycled to Arnhem again, ate too much licorice again, ran into Nuky on my way home and followed him his long way back, and it was during this journey that I experienced the single most frustrating moment of my entire trip. Holland is flat as a squashed frog, but I guess the area I'm in is the knee-bones or something, because the only hills in the country are here. So, I'd already cycled 10 kilometres to Arnhem, then about 6 back to Oosterbeek and a fair way of this was up hill, and I cycled hard... ok it may not sound so difficult, I get it, but whatever, I won't lie to create drama... but then as we rounded off the journey, and Nuky warned me that his special route would present quite a hilly-challenge for me, I was determined I would not be defeated! No, I would make it up that hill. I've never really been competitive, but I've discovered that I am very much so with myself. How desperately I HATE to give up on something half way through. But I couldn't make it up that effing hill. I had to walk the bike up and it hurt like hell, and now, four days later, it stings just as hard... stupid freaking hill... but don't worry, I made up for it.
Next day, back to Arnhem to spend the day in BEAUTIFUL Sonsbeek park as I watch the children laugh and skip and frolic in the waterfall and on the grass and by the pond. I sat for a few hours, and I cycled around the whole park which really is beautiful, and really makes it clear that no one does a park like the Europeans.
And then the next day we rose, we ate, we jumped on our cycles and we rode 20 kilometres to and through Hoge Veluwe National Park, to Kroller Muller museum which is in the middle of the park, we looked at the art, and I was moved by how beautiful their collection was, we ate fruit and home-made apple pie after ordering massive soup-bowl coffees, and we rode back home 20 kilometers. That's right. I rode 40 kilometers. I think I'm allowed to be impressed with myself.
That evening Mechtild and Nuky helped me tick yet ANOTHER pivotal Dutch experience off my to-do list as we went to a Pannenkoeken House and I had a DELISH pancake with cheese, mushrooms and onion, and topped it with stroop (syrup). That's right, they put syrup on their savoury pancakes, and boy do they know what they're doing there! LEKKER!
Now, my family exploration up to this point had been a little one-sided! I have an entire Opa who had still gone completely unrepresented in this journey, and not a single van Kessel had been encountered. This was about to change! Opa's sister Elly made a date with me, despite trouble with her eyes that meant she saw everything double, and she told me time and station to meet her- "What do you look like? I'm small, and I have white hair, so you should see me".
Now came a drama that could only be such a drama in this family... I got on the train which was to be a direct train to Schagen, where I would get off and meet Elly. I sat on the train as it hurtled through Holland for an hour and 45 minutes. I made epic breakthroughs on the cryptic crossword I was doing, and I waited for the 2 hour train ride to be over and done with. The train stopped. The speaker uttered Dutch words which blew past my ears like icing sugar in a tornado. Some people got out of the train. I waited for the train to leave. The light in the train turned off. I thought maybe I should see what's happening, got out, asked the train man... and I had to be in the carriages in front... I sprinted, I ran like a mad-man, I reached out for the train... but it was too late, off he sped into the distance, and instead of me, he carried all my chances of arriving when I had agreed to and drove off to throw them in Elly's poor, waiting face. And ofcourse I didn't have her mobile number, and ofcourse when I texted Nuky to tell at least someone they were on a train too, and ofcourse they rang Opa and Oma back in Australia to get the number, and ofcourse they panicked and worried and desperately searched, and ofcourse when I rang this number, it was Elly's home number which was little help for contacting someone waiting on an empty train platform... so I waited for the next train, and I got out in Schagen, and I walked past a small lady with white hair, and I wondered... and I went back, and I asked, and with a mighty hug and a kiss she apologised for not knowing me- and I had arrived with yet another branch from my tree. Her daughter Eveline, her partner Ruud and their two lovely children were also visiting for the day, which was such a special surprise, as people who had seemed so illusive were suddenly right here where I could touch and hear and see them. It was yet the same here again. Instantly I was at home, instantly I felt a part of their world, instantly I felt like I slotted in somewhere and didn't jutt out the side like a goiter.
As Eveline talked to me I saw our shared history, the links and ties and intricate little connecting lines laid out before my eyes like a tapestry. It was so lovely. In Elly I saw my Opa so pungently. It was as though they had both been sewn from exactly the same cloth in only slightly different patterns, and in both cases they made a blanket which wrapped around me perfectlym and makes me so so warm! We had lunch together, and then I went with them to the beach. I family outing to the beach, with my new family! And it felt so normal. It was like I was over every weekend, and was just another part of the scenery, and even though that might sound... not particularly nice... I cannot think of anything more perfect in such a situation, anything more wonderful and joyous. Elly spoke to me like she'd known me all my life, and she made me feel no different. It meant so much to me to be able to know people from this other half of this side of my coin. Eveline's children were remarkable, continuously starting conversations with me despite the fact I could not understand them, nor they me. They played with me and chatted with me and a rather dominating thought that day was "oh my god... I want my own children SOOOOOOOOOOOO bad". Sigh...
We had dinner together, and then I was driven all the way back to Hilversum in the pouring rain. I had to say goodbye to Elly already, but just like at the party, it didn't feel like a goodbye, it felt like a 'see you later' and I guess somethings just run deeper than seeing eachother regularly...
So, after I ate myself some bread in Hilversum, and Malou had dried her hair, and Astrid had sent an email... they took me on one last moonlight-tour of their little area. We drove through the streets with the moonlight trying its best to creep through the clouds after a pretty epic storm, and we looked at the beautiful, stately homes of the Dutch rich, with wooded gardens and thatched roofs and very VERY high fences. It was a beautiful area. We went to a ice-cream parlour which is apparantly the most famous in Holland and had some killer 'ijs'... mmmmmhmmmmm... mooi lekker. We went to the rich part of town, and sat on a terrace and drank dry white wine together. I felt high-class. It was lovely.
This morning we went to the airport, Astrid, Myrthe, Malou and I. Marc was landing in Amsterdam from London, dropping off some of his living supplies in London before flying to Qatar to find where he will live for the next two years as he works there. Myrthe was catching the train to do a university exam, before she went to her friends house and flies with him to London tomorrow. Malou got back from France the day before yesterday, and she and Astrid would drive me and my luggage back to Doorwerth after we finished at the airport... hooooweee! So, Marc had a little bit of time between flying in and flying out, so we all met for coffee and breakfast, and this was the last time I would spend with this family all together. This family who opened their home and their hearts to me without the blink of an eye, who provided for me, looked after me, took care of me like I was one of them and had been forever. They showed me nothing but unwavering love and kindness and support. Without them, my stay in Holland would have been a drastically different one! I was so lucky to meet them all, I learned so much from each of them, my life is more whole having known them and shared this small part of my life with them. They're all such strong, resilient, independent, insightful, wise, intelligent people, all four of them. They live their lives with so much passion and comittment and with such open, honest hearts. These are people who really know how to get the most out of everything, to squeeze every last drop of goodness out of something, and how to add the sugar where it needs to be made sweet... Really, my time in their home and in their lives has made me such a better person, I've been inspired and moved and educated in ways I didn't expect, and ways that have changed my life.
Astrid is so strong- a pillar of strength and fortitude. She is so wise, and her heart is just a pulsing centre of love, kindess and warmth. Marc is so generous and caring, so quick and sure to look after everyone and lend a helping hand. Myrthe is so intelligent and so unassuming in her insight and her knowledge of the world and of people. Malou is so vibrant and energetic and alive, she has so much joy and is so honest and genuine and real. Every moment I spent in that house was so refreshing, to see real people being themselves at every single moment. There is no bullshit in that house. There is never any call for anyone to pretend. Everyone is accepted, everyone is loved, no one is asked to change or to fill specific criteria. They have built a home where people are free to be people, and not expected to act in any way other than that which comes naturally to them. That's so beautiful.
I was so lucky to be there with them, so lucky to meet them, and I am so lucky to be able to call them my family. It hurt to say goodbye. How I hate goodbyes.
I was driven back to Doorwerth, and here I sit now, with no more 'news' to share.
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