"I don't need a number, I just want to dance with my shirt off..."

Here I sit, my last morning in New York City, my last morning in the United States of America, my last morning on this continent.



It's raining quite hard outside, and as Brooke said earlier "New York doesn't want us to go- it's crying". All though, if I know New York, and I think I do by now, I think it has better things to think about than whether or not we're walking all over its face...







But that's getting ahead of myself, because I still have stories to tell from back in Pennsylvania... the first of which involves lobsters, muscles and cherry cobbler. So, we woke up on our second morning in Kate's home and we were put to work almost immediately! The label 'free-loader' had been shaken a little to excitedly in my face by my dear friend Kate, but we weren't going to submit to such pigeon-holing and even Bee got down and dirty sweeping grit from the porch and walking through muddy grass. We swept and squirted and wiped and rinsed until the Queen would be happy to shove her guts with sea critters. Then the guests arrived, and they were lovely people. It was great for me to meet yet more people, and to keep seeing first hand that human beings have so much to offer, so many stories, so many words, so many expressions and gestures and impressions. I learn so much from all these, I gain so much from it all, and I spent so long being too scared and too lazy to expose myself to it all, that I missed out on a lot. But not any more! I haven't had a single experience of another human being this entire trip that didn't offer me something, and I'm through with letting myself deny the opportunities.
Anyway, the clam-bake was a lot of fun, we laughed and chatted and drank mojitas. Then Bee and I went inside and gorged ourselves on about a tonne of garlic bread, which was deeply satisfying!







The next day, Kate drove us up to Amish country. We farted around for a few hours, trying to find a little farm-house she had been to a few years earlier that did tours and the like. When we finally asked directions, we discovered that the reason we hadn't seen it, the reason it had alluded us as we drove past was because a few years before, Target had turned up and bought off a huge wedge of the land and built a massive store, and an even bigger parking lot on it. So is the way of the world...



So we walked around the farm a little bit before our tour of the house started. Then we go to experience one of those beautiful little gifts from the universe, when a perfect little nugget of wonder drops down in front of you. We were walking along the gravel path, and Brooke's eyes cast themselves downward for whatever reason, and somehow, by some unimaginable force of... whatever, happened to land on a tiny little chip of wood, and she somehow had the presence of mind to recognise the symbols on this little piece of wood... she gasped, and we all looked as she held up this little notch that said "Brooke" followed by a smily face. What the HELL were the chances!?!?! OH MY GOD! It was incredible. It totally made my day, if not my week. It doesn't get better than that. That was beautiful!



We went on the tour, learnt a lot about the Amish, and I discovered that I really do love education for the sake of education. I've really been enjoying learning things and just knowing them, adding to my general knowledge about the world. I think it really adds to who I am as a whole, and makes me a stronger person in general.







After we drove around like rampant paparazzi as Kate tried to convince Brooke to snap as many passing Amish as possible, despite the fact that they believe it a sin to be photographed (Bee decided she could create a graven image of the old man on his cart, because he hadn't much longer anyway, but the little boy could not have his faith disturbed!!), we went to Longwood Gardens, a massive garden that used to be a private property of the Du pont family. It was SO beautiful, so full of meticulous thought and care and passion for beauty. You could feel the care and the love that was poured into each little cranny of the place, you could feel the warmth and the heart and the honesty. I loved it there!







The next day, Kate stuck us on the train to Philladelphia, and we were in for an intense day of American history! The Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, the National Constitution Centre, a performance of 'Freedom Rising'... we were marinated in America's past and soaked in their passion and ardour for it. It was interesting intellectually. I never really knew about it all, and it means SO much, to SO many people that it was kind of lazy of me not to. So, I felt better having learnt some of it. But there is a very strong and very present element to it all that one can simply never feel not being American. They experience something, they feel something at their very core that I don't think anyone of any other nationality can ever really comprehend. They feel something beyond pride, something more than identification... it's like, this IS them... this is who they are. It is kind of nice, because so much of the time, America seems to be this disperate, fractured country full of internal conflict and battles, but when you touch on this history, this shared past, it all falls away, and suddenly everyone is united and linked on this deeper layer. They become one people, and you can feel them linking arms under the surface. I won't ever feel anything like what they feel for their country, for their past, for the people who forged both of these. I won't ever understand how they can look at things I don't really agree with, and feel this almost otherworldy pride and admiration. I don't think patriotism exists like this anywhere else in the world, I really think it is idiosyncratic to the USA, and it was really very interesting.

Now I write to you from Holland! But we'll get to that later I think...

Anyway, the next day Kate whisked us off to Washington DC. We were going to give it a miss, I have to admit, but she wasn't going to have it, and she booked us a hotel, and shuffled us into the car at 9.30 at night while we were still in our pyjamas (!) so she could buy a book on DC... ha ha ha, I lie. Brooke desperately wanted to see a Walmart before we left the US, and Kate was kind enough to oblige, and ducked into the Barnes and Noble on the way. Brooke had far too much fun in that Walmart... sometimes I worry about her...
So, we woke at the crack of dawn, and trotted off in the car. It was maybe three hours to Washington, and once we were there, we spent the day wondering around, taking in all the expected sites really- Washington Monument, Lincoln Memorial, White House, Capitol Building etc etc etc... we all know that sites like this aren't really my thing. I do think that Americans who visit places like Washington would get a lot from it, but otherwise, it's a bit... hollow. But, it was interesting! It was incredibly hot though, and the sun was so harsh, I felt like hot pokers had been poked through my eyeballs, and sharpened needles through my cheeks from squinting. We ended up letting a bus drive us past all the final sites, before we went back to the hotel to crash. Actually, getting back to the hotel was quite an Odyssey- the gods did not want us to return to the oh-so-appetising prospect of Chinese takeout. We finally got there though, and man was that Chinese tasty...

We were going to spend two days in Washington, but I think we squeezed all we were going to out of it the first day, so we got up early, took advantage of the free breakfast on the way out of the hotel, and headed home.



I had not had a dose of nature for a long time now, so Kate dropped me at the foot of a trail that ran alongside the Brandywine River back in Downsingtown, Pennsylvania. I walked a few miles, and once again found that each step was a little recharge, each breath of 'real' air was another little boost to my system. It was terribly beautiful. A lot of people used this trail to run, or walk, or with their dogs, but the further along I got, the more the people dwindled, and the more I felt myself unfold and unwind. I guess I really do need this time to myself. Even when I am having a wonderful time, and every moment is happy and precious and good, I still need to have some time that belongs to me, that I own, a space where I can sit and there is only space around me... If I don't get it, then all the goodness I have felt before, it is like it is wasted... like my life and my experiences are sort of running out the bottom of a sieve, andmy time to myself, my time to reflect is when I can tip these things into a vase or a vessel of some sort. The longer it goes without these moments, the more I lose. But I am learning how to get this space without having to actually be alone... to construct a little world to temporarily retreat into... I think I am learning to be a lot less high maintenance. It is a skill I desired for so long... a characteristic I really felt I wanted to acquire to be more of the person I wanted to be. I think I am learning it very quickly on this trip- to just let go, and make the most of the things you are given, not to need things in such particular ways, and to be able to make it work, to get what you need simply with the ingredients in the pantry, instead of using all your energy trying to get every single ingredient on the recipe...



Anyway, I diverge. So, I was walking along the Brandywine, and it really was lovely. Pennsylvania is very beautiful, in an elvish, fairy-land sort of way. You just want to sprinkle some fairy dust, sprout some wings and dance on the tree tops. I stopped along the way back, and crept down through the trees to the river itself... and I got down to my underwear and swam in the water. It was very special for me, as people who have known me would know, to be able to let go like that, and to just embrace the moment and worry not what someone might think if they walked down past me. The water was so crisp and fresh, and it felt like the hug I had been needing for weeks. I crawled out of the water, and dried off up in a tree as I wrote in my journal. Someone did come down as I wrote up there in my underwear. They turned around and went back pretty quick, but the moral of the story is, that I barely looked up from my page, and I certainly didn't extend any thought to the moment beyond that.



That was our last day with Kate and Jorg. We chatted more that night, but then the next morning, it was time to go! I already miss them so much. They were such special people, people who I am richer for having met and having known. Kate read aloud to Jorg a thankyou letter I had written to them both. She got to the part in which I said "you opened your home to us despite the fact you didn't know usin the slightest"- she turned to me and said "There is no such thing as people we don't know". What a perfect way of looking at the world! What a wonderful thing to feel about people, and about yourself, and what a perfect way to sum up the overall lesson I gained from my time in their home.



Back in New York we were to finish the American leg of our trip. We went back to the Lower Easr Side, East Village, Greenwich Village- all my favourite areas in New York, all the parts that define and represent New York for me, and all the parts that make me feel really good about that place. We ate lunch in Washington Park, where the uni students come for lunch, and where little quartets or trios had scattered themselves like diamonds about the place, playing jazz or tap dancing or beating their drums. It was wonderful, in a totally non-wanky or pretentious way! just really honest and genuine and free. We walked around Union Square and I bought myself a little etching from one of the artists at his stall.
We went to the movies that night. Brooke saw My Sister's Keeper, and I had the ULTIMATE New York experience as I sat in a tiny little theatre in the stomach of massive 25 cinema complex and watched Larry David limp around streets I had just wondered, lamenting the frailty of life and the redundancy of living in Woody Allen's latest movie 'Whatever Works'. It was SO good, exactly what I wanted, exactly what I needed. The film talks about accepting the fact that life is hard, and people need to find whatever they can to make it through, and it is up to each person to accept and to embrace the choices made by the people in their lives, because we love them, and we want them to be happy and we need to love them for finding nuggets of joy and satisfaction in this world... well, that's what it spoke about for me, and it made me feel a lot better about myself and own choices, as I realised that I don't need to try to adhere to some kind of external measure of the 'right' way to be happy... and it also really helped me in terms of travelling with Brooke. We are so different, and have SUCH a drastically different approach to life and happiness and being comfortable and satisfied, and while I try my hardest to accept and embrace her choices and decisions and attitudes, it has been quite difficult for me grappling with the sheer immensity of difference that exists between our mindsets... and such a film sort of helped me come to better terms with it. I think. I hope!



The next day we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. the board said it was $20 for a single admission, followed by 'recommended, access to all special exhibitions'. We weren't about to let such a mysterious message go unexplored, and when we asked about it, we found out that at this museum, you can pay whatever amount you like, as long as you pay something, but they ofcourse recommend that you each person pay $20. We paid $5 each.

The museum was wonderful. There was so much there. It was really special to share the art with Brooke, to talk about it with her, to discuss our ideas about it... this has always been something we avoided talking about, because we think so differently about it, but we shared it on this day, and it meant a lot to me to be able to. I learnt a lot also, my mind was opened up to new ideas and new approaches. It was great. And I got to see two Jackson Pollocks!!!! Jackson Pollock has always been one of my favourite, FAVOURITE artists, and seeing his work, right there, in all it's glory, I felt everything that made me love him in the first place, and more. When I look at a Pollock, I feel connected to him. I feel like there is someone out there in the world, or there was someone, who has reached out tentacles, right from their soul, that have wound and spiraled all through the world, and through time, and have reached me, and pierced my chest right through to my own soul, and there they have laced themselves and they'll link us forever. It's just a moment in time, when I feel like someone can really see me, and I can see them, and for one second, everything is perfect, and I am safe and warm and at home. So, that was pretty special for me.
That night I ate a whole tub of icecream, and it kicked arse.

The next day was kind of a dud. As much as I enjoyed America and New York and as much as I'd seen and learned and experienced... I was ready to move on! I was ready for Holland, for Europe, for another world. I think by that point, I had gotten all I could get from America at this point in my life.
We just kind of meandered about waiting for time to whittle itself away and carry us toward our new home.

We caught the subway the next day all the way to JFK airport. As we sat with our bags tucked between our legs watching America creep by our eyes for the last time, a man across the aisle sleepily dragged a lighter from his pocket and put a flame to the end of the previously unlit cigarette that had been drooping from his lips and filled the carriage with death-vapour along with a sea of outraged and disapproving faces. No one said anything, we all just looked at eachother, completely dumbfounded, as this man sat there, and started to fall asleep with this lit cigarette hanging from his mouth. ON A SUBWAY! I couldn't believe that no one in New York City told this man to snuff it... I so wished I was the kind of person who could do that... but I wasn't, and I'm not! Eventually a guard sorted it out, but it was bizarre... only in America.

American Airlines serves revolting food, and doesn't serve it well. Put that in your pocket-books to remember for the future!

Then, about two days ago, we arrived here in Holland! We arrived at about 10.30, and once we'd weaved our way through the various checkpoints, we emerged to see my lovely second cousin (or something along those lines...) beaming behind the bars, with a 'Welcome' balloon and two white shirts draped over the railing, one reading "Madeline Welcome in Holland", and the other "Brooke Welcome in Holland", and I knew I was home! Astrid, Malou's mother and my... great Aunt maybe!... she drove us to their home, which has now become our home also! Myrthe is Malou's older sister, about six months older than me. I was sleeping when she got home... clearly I'm making a wonderful impression on my new found family! Hopefully it is not an omen for what I will be in her life this whole time... a distant sleeping mirage of a person! But they are all so lovely and welcoming and kind. I have been a little bit stressed and scared... maybe terrified even fits during those moments when I was really sleep-deprived! I have been so terrified that they don't like me, and that they won't like me. I want SO badly to fit in here, to be a part of this world and these people who I love on a level that I can't really explain. They are my family, and it means a lot to me to have their approval, to have them think well of me. But me being stressed won't help the cause, that is for sure! So I am trying to let go a little bit, to airate my exterior a little, and let some fresh air in so I can breathe, and so I can relax and be myself. If I wind myself too tight... I'll end up flinging myself somewhere where I can't bring myself back down again. I was so comfortable with Kate and Jorg in their home because I was able to simply accept that I am who I am, and I don't need to 'perform' or fulfill certain criteria... but it's harder now, as I feel like I do need to achieve something specific... I'll work it out.

We slept all day yesterday, and today we rode the pushbikes through the rain to the Media Museum and had all sorts of wonderful fun recording news broadcasts in Dutch and taking photos with our faces replacing those of famous Dutch people I had never seen. It was a lot of fun fun fun... and then I rode through the streets for a little while, being pounded by the rain, feeling incredibly Dutch and comfortable...

So, that's where I'm at... I think I'll have a lot to tell soon about Holland and my time here... so I'll write when I can!!

Thanks for reading!

Mad.